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Tue, Jul. 11th, 2006, 01:08 am

I can't believe its July already

This whole summer is just passing by me in a blur. Days go by and I feel like its only been minutes. Work is like an outerbody experience, where I listen and watch myself talking to people and giving orders and running these huge events and I dont even realize that I'm doing it, that I'm in the moment NOW. It's so hard to explain how my head has been working these days.. its just like Im not here.


I think that death and grief affects people in different ways, and its made me sort of look past whats happening around me everyday and I just keep going over and over the same things in my head. The hospital, the funeral, the months before all that when I kept finding excuses to not go and see her, I didnt want to see her. The denile my entire family went through... which i think hurt us allot more in the end.

its been 3 months and it hasnt gotten any easier. there are just so many reminders everywhere. i just cant get over it.

my emotions are still all over the place, its like everything is ten times worse.. but then theres days where i feel nothing, just numb towards everything and everybody.

i keep hoping things will get better.. In april i thought as soon as i move home i'll feel better, then it was as soon as i start working it'll get better, now im hoping as soon as im back in school things will get better... maybe thats why everything is just zooming by.. im always looking ahead, not wanting to live in the now.

Wed, Apr. 5th, 2006, 02:30 pm

My cousin died yesturday.
She's been fighting for so long, and then she just gave up, she said she was tired and wanted it all to be over.
I feel like Im in a movie, one of those over-dramatic tear jerkers that you cant help and cry at. Everything is so unreal right now.


I dunno why Im even writing in here ... maybe because Im finding it so difficult to talk to people outside of my family about it. It just makes people uncomfortable, they dont know what to say, they dont want to deal with it, hell, i dont even want to deal with it.


It's just so fucking unfair

Wed, Nov. 23rd, 2005, 04:42 pm
Cant stop listenin to this song...

Helping the kids out of their coats
But wait the babies haven't been born
Unpacking the bags and setting up
And planting lilacs and buttercups

But in the meantime I've got it hard
Second floor living without a yard
It may be years until the day
My dreams will match up with my pay

Old dirt road Knee deep snow
Watching the fire as we grow old

I got a man to stick it out
And make a home from a rented house
And we'll collect the moments one by one
I guess that's how the future's done

How many acres how much light
Tucked in the woods and out of sight
Talk to the neighbours and tip my cap
On a little road barely on the map

Old dirt road Knee deep snow
Watching the fire as we grow old
Old dirt road Rambling rose
Watching the fire as we grow well I'm sold

Mon, Oct. 10th, 2005, 06:19 pm

how can things go from wonderful, to falling apart?

Sat, Sep. 3rd, 2005, 05:26 pm

Where are we?
What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just began to fall
Crop circles in the carpet
Sinking, feeling
Spin me around again
And rub my eyes
This can't be happening
When busy streets
Amess with people
Would stop to hold
Their heads heavy
Hide and seek
Trains and sewing machines
All those years
They were here first
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before
The takeover
The sweeping insensitivity of this still life
Hide and Seek
Trains and sewing machines (you won't catch me around here)
Blood and Tears
They were here first
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that you only meant well?
Well, 'course you did
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's all for the best
Of course it is
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, that it's just what we need
You decided this
Hmm, what'd you say, mmm, what did she say?
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit
(Hide and Seek)
Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth
Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs
Speak no feeling,I not believe you
You don't care a bit, you don't care a, you don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
Oh no, You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit
You don't care a bit

Tue, Aug. 30th, 2005, 11:30 pm
arg

i hate how im too scared to get angry

and then i just end up pissed at myself

Fri, Aug. 19th, 2005, 11:32 am

A girl that my sister knows is missing
she was last seen on tuesday, she just dissapeared from her house, her wallet and cell phone are still at her house and her shoes were found in her backyard.

One of our family friends is a cop and is assigned to this case. All he could tell us was that hes never seen this many officers assigned to a missing case. Which basically means that everyone thinks that something terrible has happened to her.

everyones been pretty freaked out

Wed, Aug. 3rd, 2005, 09:57 pm
UPDATE!

so i'm usually too tired to post, but tonight im thinkin if i go to bed a little later then 10 it'll be ok.

i feel like summer has just flown by...its already august and im still not fully prepared for september. all i know is that im going back to hammy, i can no longer live at home. hopefully this will be my last summer here. kinda weird that im the youngest of my fam, but the first one that wants to offically move out. im a little scared for sept. i've tottally changed my life around, well i finally have a plan for what i want to do with my life, and something to look forward to. its exciting that i can see my future ahead of me, but im still really really freaked out at the same time. im also kinda mad at myself for wasting 2 years...but hey you gotta try something out to figure out that its not the right thing for u.

i had my first fight with nelson...well more like the first time i've ever been pissed with him and yelled. it was bound to happen at one point or another, and lucky for him im a sucker and couldnt stay mad. now im walking around with this guilt of being a shitty girlfriend and causing a scene. grrr. other than my freak out, things have been really good with him, but im gettin really sick of the driving back and forth, its just so tiring. i cant wait to get back to being able to see him everyday and not spending all my money on gas!!

work is drivnig me nuts. we had the maxim tournament on monday, i worked for 14 hours and got caught in a crazy end of the world rain wind and hail storm... and i saw too many naked men, very unattractive naked men.. running and jumping around..honestly, im scarred for life. The only good thing i can say about work lately is that i met carlton banks from fresh prince and j.peterson from seinfield, those guys i consider top class celebrity.

another round of bad luck is hitting ppl all around me... just been making me think about things lately. kinda been freaked out, and in crazy moods. i keep gettin asked whats wrong and whats going on, but seriously theres nothing wrong, im just weird lately.


i feel like i had so much more to write about, but i dont really feel like writing anymore... bed is calling me.

Tue, Jul. 5th, 2005, 02:44 pm
this is me bored...

http://artpad.art.com/?ij66p91lm6iw
(turn the speed up)


yea this is what i do on my day off... sheesh

Tue, Jul. 5th, 2005, 01:43 pm

i finally got to spend some time up at my cottage, katie o came along too. i got 2 beeeeeautiful days up there and now i look like a little brown girl, well minus the fact that my hair is extremely blonde now because of the sun (oh darn)

i was in oakville on friday cus one of nelsons good friends was having a keg party. i finally got to meet so many ppl that hes been talking about all this time, and his friends are pretty fun. it was like ive known these guys forever, really easy people to talk to and chill with. ann got brought up a couple times (which i expected) but it really doesnt bother me that much anymore, it seems to bother nelson more, which i guess is a good thing!! (yes i cant help being bitter in that area, its not my fault!) so i stayed in oakville on friday night and got to say goodbye to nelson on saturday before he left for florida.

i got an email from nelson yesturday telling me all about layin on the beach and relaxing in the sun. i miss him so much already and im so fricken jealous that he has 2 weeks of doing nothing.

work is the same, crothers is back now so i have someone my age in the same position as me. shes great to have around because we both dont give a shit about our jobs but still get things done. im gettin really sick of this full time crap... cant wait to stop working this hard.

im trying to get all my old skating friends together for another bonanza, we'll see how that goes, its so hard to work around everyones schedules!

its kristas bday tomorrow, so thats something that should be fun, and i dont work till 5pm the next day so i can actually sleep in after a night of drinking! i cant wait hahah
its so crazy that i still keep in touch with that girl, i've known her since pre-school. and even though we werent as close in high school we always still talked, and now its like we are back in elementary school and good friends all over again. its pretty sweet. i was talkig with her sister jenna the other night and we both decided that no matter what we are all gonna keep in touch for the rest of our lives, they are just the kind of ppl that will always be in my life and thats wicked.


i got the day off today, and its gross outside. i hate that. i have some errands and stuff to do but all i really want to do is lay on the couch and watch oprah and all that daytime crap. i know its a waste of a day, but i dont care.
at least i made myself have a shower!
i'll go out tonight im pretty sure, ive been promising toni that we would do something but i usually spend my time off with nelson and i havnt seen her. that pisses me off cus i never want to be one of those girls that punks off her friends for her bofriend, so i MUST do somethign with her soon.

well i guess thats its for now... oh i forgot to mention my new vow of never going to rocky mountain high ever again. im going to try not to go, stupid place.

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